


Between The Void

by O_renishiii



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angsty Edward, Bella Swan with a Backbone, Bella can talk to the dead, Bella is a Medium, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Edward is still a Vampire, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, GIVE IT TIME, Human/Vampire Relationship, Porn with Feelings, Romance, Slow Burn, Spirit World, Talking to Spirits, Vampire Cullens, Vampires, eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-21 09:50:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15555114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/O_renishiii/pseuds/O_renishiii
Summary: Bella Swan was born with the ability to sense spirits, the gift of channeling or mediumship as Wikipedia called it. She lived her life keeping them out, trying to live as normally as possible, yet, never quite succeeding. When Bella moved to Forks, she expected things to get easier; smaller crowds, fewer spirits, more normalcy. She could've never imagined she'd get Edward instead.





	1. Arrival

**_"Life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only a horizon, and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight."_ **

**_\- Rossiter Worthington Raymond_ **

* * *

 

 

The man in seat 27A recently lost someone; a paternal spirit with what Bella assumed to be a breathing problem based on how her throat was closing up and the burn in her lungs. She inhaled once, just to prove to herself she can - that the sensations aren’t actually real -  but, she flinched away from the ghostly scent of leather, oil and, tobacco that mixed with the smell of airplane instead.

 

It may not be real, but it was to her.

 

The smel of tabacool told Bella that 27A's ghost was an avid smoker, which explained the lung issues. The man - _a father, grandfather?_ \- shoved the label of a type of whiskey, _a Jack Daniels_ , Bella realized, into her head. Bella recognized the label from Phil's cupboard of expensive liquor back in their house in Phoenix. The phrase _1904 gold_ darted across her mind; the words echoed around her skull.

 

So the liquor he showed her was old, from the little Bella knew of booze, that was supposed to be a good thing, but Bella still had no idea what it meant. What was the message this guy was trying to get across? She couldn't figure it out, she almost never could.

 

Suddenly, a potent sadness washed over Bella. The feeling was second hand, but it watered her eyes all the same. Without warning, the word stop boomed in her mind, just as loud as if the speakers had announced it. Bella's temple began to throb; she winced forcefully shoving the man out of her mind, hurriedly wiping the runaway tears. Bella had let her guard down, allowed curiosity get the best of her. It was a mistake, allowing one of them in for so long: all it did was open herself up to all the other presences trying to claw their way into her conscious. Bella shifted uncomfortably in the coach seat and, glanced out the window as the captain's formal voice blared across the plane.

 

"Attention passengers, this is your captain speaking. We will be landing in Port Angeles, Washington in fifteen minutes. Please keep your seatbelts on and, turn off all electronic devices. Thank you."

 

Bella sighed, utterly unenthused with the idea of arriving at her destination. She spent the rest of the flight blasting one of Phil's old rock albums in an attempt to ignore the prying fingers trying to peel back her mental defenses.

 

In the Olympic Peninsula of northwest Washington State, a small town named Forks existed cloaked in a near-constant cover of grey. It rained in this little town more than any other place in the United States of America. Bella had looked it up as a child to prove a point.

 

It was from this town, and it's gloomy, smothering shade that her mother escaped with her when Bella when she was only a few months old. It was in this town that she'd been compelled to spend a month every summer until Bella turned fourteen, and finally put her foot down; Bella hated crowds and sharing tight spaces with other people. The more people she's around, the more spirits try to communicate with her - like clockwork. These past three summers, Bella's dad, Charlie, vacationed with her in a remote cabin on a private California beach for two weeks instead; sun and, secluded just like she preferred.

 

It is to Forks that Bella exiled herself — an action that she took with great horror. She detested Forks. She loved Phoenix with its sun and blistering heat. But, as much as she loved the weather, Bella couldn't take the rigorous, sprawling city anymore. She couldn't handle dealing with the baggage that came with the cities occupants for any longer. It was just too much.

 

Of course, Bella couldn't share her reasons for suddenly asking to live in a place she had openly avoided her whole life. It took weeks of convincing to get her mother to agree to agree to the proposal.

 

"Bella," Renee had said to her — the last of a thousand times — before Bella got on the plane. "You don't have to do this."

 

Her mother looks like her, except with short hair and laugh lines. Bella had felt a spasm of panic as she stared at her big, trusting eyes. How could she leave her loving, erratic, harebrained mother to fend for herself? Of course she had Phil now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost; Bella wouldn't have decided to do this otherwise, but still…

 

"I want to go," Bella had lied. Bella had always been a lousy liar, but she'd been saying this lie so frequently at that point it sounded almost convincing then.

 

"Tell Charlie I said hi."

 

"I will."

 

"I'll see you soon," Renee had insisted. "You can come home whenever you want — I'll come right back as soon as you need me."

 

But, Bella had seen the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise. It steeled her nerves. Moving is what's best for both of us, Bella had thought.

 

"Don't worry about me, it'll be great." she urged, Bella had almost meant it that time. " I love you, Mom."

 

Renee had hugged her daughter tightly one last time, and then Bella got on the plane.

 

Bella clutched at that memory, freezing the lovely smile and warmth of her mother and, focusing on it as she stepped off the plane. She used that image as a kind of tool against the spirits - Bella found that if she focused on the people dearest to her, the loved ones of others would have a harder time getting through the shield she had spent years building to keep them out.

 

The Port Angeles Airport was the smallest airport she had ever been in. She made her way past the terminal, dejected she had arrived but, thankful for the limited amount of people, both dead and alive, in the area. Bella caught sight of the businessman from seat 27A as she gathered her luggage and gracelessly zipped up her parka. A familiar pang of guilt hit her as she looked at the balding man and, unlike in the plane, this feeling was entirely her own.

 

27A would probably want to hear a message from his dead relative if he knew it was possible, who was she to deny him - them- this? But, Bella figured out a long time ago how that encounter would go down. Speaking of messages from dead relatives either gets you put on heavy medication for dementia or, a reality TV show.

 

Bella doubted she'd be the type of person to get a tv show for being weird.

 

That is why instead of marching over there as she wanted and, shared the fact that the man's dead, heavy smoker father figure who died of lung cancer and was obsessed with Jack Daniels, wanted him to stop something, Bella turned to the exit. Her headache from the ghostly fingers of the dead raking against her mind only got stronger as she went. Jack Daniels was a stubborn one.

 

Bella was drenched as soon as she stepped outside; it was raining torrentially. The type of downpour that a person could probably drown in if they weren't careful. Charlie conveniently was right in front of the building. Inconveniently, he had brought the cruiser to pick her up.

 

Charlie was Police Chief Swan to the good people of Forks and, drove in the cruiser everywhere whether it was groceries or, low-speed chases. Bella's primary motivation behind buying a car, despite the scarcity of her funds, was that she refused to be driven around town in a car with red and blue lights on top. Nothing slows down traffic like a cop.

 

Charlie gave Bella an awkward, one-armed hug once she reached him after sploshing her way through the wet; holding his arms out for preemptive measures as she trudged.

 

"It's good to see you, Bells," he said, smiling as he automatically caught and steadied her when she tripped over his feet."You haven't changed much. How's Renee?"

 

Bella thought it was genuinely good to see him too. Through their vacations to California, once everything Bella hated was erased from the equation, she realized that Bella and Charlie were so much alike their coexistence was natural as breathing. If Bella were honest, her favorite time of the year was those summer vacations with Charlie: he never hovered, didn't linger. Charlie understood Bella as much as any normal person could understand a medium (Bella hated the term psychic). The truth was he might've been the only person in the world who could. Charlie was used to the quirks of living with a medium, considering he was raised by one. Plus the presence that always lingered around Charlie comforted Bella immensely; tranquil, loving, warm.

 

She could feel whispers of that presence already, the touch feather light against her mind, though she kept the wall up, for the moment at least.

 

"Mom's fine. It's good to see you, too, Dad."

 

Bella had only a few bags. Most of her Arizona clothes were too permeable for Washington. She and her mom had pooled their resources to supplement her winter wardrobe, but it was still scanty. It all fit easily into the trunk of the cruiser.  Somewhere at the corner of her eye, Bella saw 27A in front of a shiny black Buick, pulling a flask out of his coat and taking a hardy swing.

 

_Ohh_

 

The guilt from earlier returned with a whole new intensity, punching her in the gut so hard she staggered and hit her forehead on the top of the cruiser. It took her a minute to recover. Charlie was too busy wrestling the bags into the trunk to notice, which was for the best. It saved Bella the embarrassment of an explanation. As she plopped down into the car seat, she couldn't decide if the spots in her vision were from the guilts wallop or, her clumsiness. Bella figured an unlucky mixture of both.

 

"How is she?" Charlie asked quietly, their custom, once they were strapped in the cruisers privacy and protected from bullets of water.

 

Bella closed her eyes and, finally, relaxed her shield enough for the spirit he was asking about to come through; allowing it to wrap around her like a blanket. Instantly, flashes of twinkling brown eyes, a knowing wide smile and, the dulcet sound of a lullaby filled her senses; the spirits usual greeting to Bella. The images faded just as quickly as they came and, an intense wave of contentment eased over her, melting her bones into her seat and, erasing any traces of shame she carried.

 

 _Hi, Grandma_. Bella thought, before responding to Charlie; the answer was the same as it had been since Grandma Swan died when Bella was eleven.

 

"Happy," Bella murmured, tasting the salt of her a wayward tear on her lips.

 

Charlie's eyes always glistens when she tells him that, today was no different.

 

"Good," he replied gruffly.

 

They usually don't ever acknowledge Bella's ability after that conversation is out of the way, to her relief. She could barely understand it herself, much less explain it to someone else.

 

The Swans exchanged a few more comments on the weather, which was wet, and that was pretty much it for conversation. They spent the rest of the car ride staring out the windows in silence. Bella fumed at the sight. She  hated this place so much the scenery should've matched her feelings.

 

It didn't. Washington was beautiful.

 

Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered with moss, their branches hanging in a twisted canopy, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down through the leaves in a shine of sunlight and, green. But, the problem wasn't its beauty, that was never the case, the issue was that Bella believed it to be too green — an alien planet almost.

 

Eventually, they arrive at Charlie's and, Bella could no longer contemplate the horrid state of green everything was in. Charlie still lived in the small, two-bedroom house that he'd bought with Bella's mother in the early days of their marriage. Those were the only kind of days their marriage had - the early ones.

 

As soon as they pulled into the driveway, something out of place caught Bella's eyes - well, more like demanded the attention of her and, everyone within a five-mile radius. There, parked on the street in front of the house that never changed, was a truck. It was a faded red color, with big, rounded fenders and a bulbous cab. The car screamed of one of those robust iron affairs that never get damaged — the kind you see at the scene of an accident, paint unscratched, surrounded by the pieces of the foreign car it had destroyed. Bella could see herself in it.

 

Hope kindled in her heart.

 

"Dad…?" The question hovered in the air.

 

"What do you think?" Charlie nodded toward the truck with his chin, subtly peeking sideways at her with a hopeful expression.

Bella smiled, completely shocked. She had her answer.

 

"Oh wow, Dad I love it! Thank you!" Now her horrific day tomorrow would be just that much less dreadful. She wouldn't be faced with the choice of either walking two miles in the rain to school or accepting a ride in the Chief's cruiser - if the car ran of course. But, before she could go farther into her excitement, it ebbs. Her hate of having people be inconvenienced by her, especially for getting her a gift, had resurfaced.

 

"Wait. Dad, you didn't have to. I would've gotten myself one. I have money saved…."

 

Charlie shook his head firmly. "Well, honey, I thought you could keep that money for yourself. I got it as a kind of homecoming gift. I want you to be happy here."

 

He was looking ahead at the house when he said this. This confession shocked Bella even more than the gesture with the car; she knew that the sentiment was implied in his actions but, to have Charlie say that aloud was nothing short of monumental. Charlie wasn't comfortable with expressing his emotions out loud. Bella inherited that from him. So, she turned to look straight ahead as she responded, making sure to lace her gratitude for her words. They came out a bit more tender than she expected: that was fine.

 

"That's really nice, Dad. Thank you, seriously. I really appreciate it."

 

"Well, now, you're welcome," Charlie mumbled, embarrassed by her genuine thanks and, once that was done, practically sprinted out the car; his quota of emotional moments for the month filled.

 

Bella chuckled softly at her father's awkward antics and stepped out as well.

 

Well, fell out would be the more accurate term.

 

"Where did you find it?" Bella called to Charlie's retreating back. In his sheepish haste, Charlie was almost at the doorway with her bags.

 

"Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?" La Push was the tiny Indian reservation on the coast.

 

"No."

 

"He used to go fishing with us during the summer," Charlie prompted. That would explain why Bella didn't remember him. She did an excellent job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from her memory. With her abilities it was necessary.

 

"He's in a wheelchair now," Charlie continued when she didn't respond, "so he can't drive anymore, and he offered to sell me his truck cheap."

 

"What year is it?" she could see from his change of expression that this was the question he was hoping she wouldn't ask.

 

"Well, Billy's done a lot of work on the engine — it's only a few years old, honestly." Bella hoped he didn't think so little of her as to believe she would give up that easily.

 

"When did he buy it?"

 

"He bought it in 1984, I think."

 

"Did he buy it new?" Bella probed, knowing there wasn't something he wasn't saying.

 

"Well, no. I think it was new in the early sixties — or late fifties at the earliest," Charlie admitted ruefully.

 

And, there went the dream.

 

"Ch — Dad, I don't really know anything about cars. I wouldn't be able to fix it if anything went wrong, and I couldn't afford a mechanic…"

 

"Really, Bella, the thing runs great. They don't build them like that anymore. Trust me. It's fine."

 

 _The thing_ , she repeated to herself… it had possibilities. A nickname, at the very least.

 

"Okay, Dad. If you say so." Bella conceded, following him into the house

 

.

Bella's room was the west bedroom that faced out over the front yard. The room was familiar; it had belonged to her since she was born. The wooden floor, the light blue walls, the peaked ceiling, the yellowed lace curtains around the window — these were all a part of her childhood. The only changes Charlie had ever made were switching the crib for a bed and adding a desk as she grew. The desk now held a second-hand computer, with the phone line for the modem stapled along the floor to the nearest phone jack. This was a stipulation from Bella's mother so that they could stay in touch easily.

Bella was not as surprised as she should've been when she realizes the rocking chair from her baby days were still in the corner. That can easily be fixed. What Bella was trying hard not to dwell on too much was the one small bathroom at the top of the stairs she would have to share with Charlie. There was no fix for that.

 

It took only one trip to get all her stuff upstairs and, Charlie didn't hover once it was done. He allowed her to get settled in peace. Bella was thankful for it. It was nice not to have to smile and looked pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape.

 

Even though Bella knew her choice was necessary, the lesser of two evils, that didn't mean she had to be happy about it. Nevertheless, she pushed those thoughts out her mind for now. If Bella stayed on this train of thought, she wouldn't be able to hold back the tears - the real ones, not the traitorous few that seemed to leak out at any or every emotion Bella felt - and she wasn't in the mood to go on a real crying jag. She would save that for bedtime when she would have no choice but to think of the coming morning.

 

Forks High School had a frightening yet relievingly total of only three hundred and fifty-seven — now fifty-eight — students while there were more than seven hundred people in Bella's junior class alone back in Phoenix. All of the kids here had grown up together — their grandparents had been toddlers together. Bella would be the new girl from the big city: a curiosity, a freak.

 

Well, Bella was a freak but, in Forks, she would be a freak by normal standards too.

 

Maybe if Bella had the looks of a girl from the Phoenix, she could work the "new girl" angle to her advantage. But, physically, Bella would never fit in anywhere. She should be tan, sporty, blonde; maybe a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps. Essentially, all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun. That wasn't the case.

 

Instead, Bella was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. She had always been slender, but soft somehow, very obviously not an athlete; she didn't have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating herself - and, harm both herself and anyone else who standing too close, of course.

 

Bella, basically, had no weapons in her arsenal to help her for the day. Hell, Bella didn't even have an arsenal, that's how hopeless she was.

 

Maybe she could just content herself with accepting her fate with dignity.

 

Once she finished putting her clothes in the old pine dresser, Bella took her bag of bathroom necessities and went to the communal bathroom to clean herself up after the day of travel. She looked at her face in the newly, cleaned mirror as she brushed through her tangled, rain-sodden hair. Maybe it was the light - or a trick of it - but already she sees herself looking sallower: unhealthy. Her skin had the potential to be pretty - it was clear, almost translucent-looking - but, any of that potential had been sucked out by the doom and gloom of the area.

 

It all depends on color. Bella had no color here.

 

Yet, later that night, laying on the soft mattress of her bed, under the faded old quilt Charlie has had for years; Bella admitted she was lying to herself when she said she wouldn't fit in Forks because of her newness. Bella had never fit in anywhere, for obvious reasons, in her life.

 

Being surrounded by the dead and, bonding to them as intimately as she could, made it impossible for her to relate to kids her age.

 

Even Bella's mother, who she was closer to her than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with her, never on the same page. How could she be? Only Swans were allowed to know about the women of the families shared gift; Renee had given up her right to that information when she left Charlie with an infant Bella in tow - before Charlie could know Bella had inherited the gift in the first place.

 

The only person who had ever truly, wholly, unquestionably understood her was Grandma Swan, and she's been dead for six years.

 

Well, sure, Bella could feel Grandma but, it wasn't the same. The way Bella's powers worked was that it's a one-sided conversation. Those who couldn't enter that state of peaceful stasis between the world of the living and dead for one reason or another – Grandma called those "the lost - communicated with Bella and, she listened. They didn't speak in sentences - dead is still dead. What the spirits showed her were choppy, short and, encrypted; feelings, smells, pictures, words, short phrases. Only coming to her with messages of great importance. The ones that kept them from resting.

 

The dead don't concern themselves with the trivial.

 

The second type of ghost Bella's powers could pick up was the "rested"; spirits with nothing weighing on them. The ones who lived on with those who carried them in their hearts, like Grandma with Charlie. With the rested it was different. When Bella came in contact with the loss she perceived what they were clinging to that held them back from equilibrium, they innately knew to reach out to her and, show her what was haunting them. The rested, on the other hand, are spirits who found their place in the afterlife; stability. When Bella came in contact with the rested, she touched their soul, their essence as opposed to their problems.

 

Bella had encountered some beautiful souls in her time, souls filled with love, ambition, optimisation. She'd faced souls overcome by distrust or bitterness; souls who spent their afterlife in a constant state of unhappiness or discontent. And, they existed in that way because that was the state they spent their lives in, therefore, that is how they would spend their death.

 

It was all very poetic in Bella's opinion. Admittedly, it would've been even more endearing if Bella actually knew what she was doing. Grandma Swan had tried to give Bella tips and advice on "channeling," as she called it when she was alive, but Bella was so young she hadn't been able to learn much. Most the little bit she learned had already begun to fade away with time.

 

And, as Bella got older her gift had only gotten stronger, she'd grown more sensitive. It terrified her so much she was willing to move her least favorite place on the planet to make it easier.

 

Overall, Bella had so much on her mind she could hardly fall asleep that night.

 

She spent hours sobbing violently into her pillow – for 27A, for Jack Daniels, out of fear for school the next day, to mourn the normalcy she would never have – and, even once Bella was done she couldn't doze off. The continual whooshing of the rain and wind across the roof kept her up late into the hours of the night, wouldn't fade into the background.

 

It wasn't until well past midnight, once the rain slowed down to a quiet drizzle, that Bella finally fell into fitful slumber.

  


Thick fog was all Bella could see out the window in the morning, and with it, claustrophobia began to creep up on her. The sky was impossible to see through the thick haze. It was like a cage; a bad omen.

 

The day was already off to a depressing start.

 

Breakfast with Charlie was a quiet event. He wished Bella good luck at school, she thanked him, knowing his hope was wasted. Good luck tended to avoid her. Then left, off to the police station that was his wife and family. Bella waited a bit before she headed out to start her day. She wanted to be early enough that she wouldn't be overwhelmed by those who were not amongst the living right off the bat, but she didn't want to be too early. The last thing she needed was to seem too over enthusiastic.

 

Bella sat at the old square oak table in one of the three unmatching chairs and examined Charlie's small kitchen, with its dark paneled walls, bright yellow cabinets, and white linoleum floor. Nothing had changed. Her mother had painted the cabinets eighteen years ago in an attempt to bring some sunshine into the house. Over the small fireplace in the adjoining handkerchief-sized family room is a row of pictures. First, a wedding picture of Charlie and Renee in Las Vegas, then one of the three of them in the hospital after Bella was born, taken by a helpful nurse, followed by the procession of Bella's school pictures up to last year's.

 

Those were embarrassing to look at — Bella briefly wondered what she could do to get Charlie to put them somewhere else, at least while she was living there.

 

Finally, once it reached an acceptable time to leave for school, Bella prepared to head out; donning her rain jacket which, in her opinion, felt more like a biohazard suit then casual wear. It was only drizzling outside, not raining enough to soak her thoroughly – yet, still raining too much for her taste - as she reaches for the house key that's always hidden under the eaves by the door to lock up. The sloshing of her new waterproof boots unnerved her once she stepped out into the mirk. It made Bella miss the crunch of gravel.

 

Bella clambered into her new truck -Lady, she decided to call her – desperate to avoid the misty wet that swirled around her head and clung to the hair under her hood. Inside the truck, it was wonderfully dry. Either Billy or Charlie had obviously cleaned it up, but the tan, upholstered seats still smelled faintly of dust motes, gasoline, and peppermint. The engine started quickly to Bellas utter relief, albeit loudly; roaring to life and then idling at top volume. Bella didn't despair, a truck this old was bound to have flaws.

 

Plus it was free. Who was Bella to complain?

 

After less than ten minutes careful driving, Bella found the school; like most other important destinations in this sleepy town, it was just off the highway, though Bella didn't notice it at first. She almost passed it; only the sign which declares the collection of maroon colored buildings to be Forks High School stops Bella in her tracks.

 

 _Where is the feel of the institution_ ? She wondered nostalgically once she had parked the first building, which had a small sign over the door reading front office. _Where are the chain-link fences, the metal detectors?_

 

Schools were meant to feel like prisons, not suburbs.

With that negativity in place, Bella, in a self-inflicted death march, headed toward the building, slipped into the warm, brightly lit room and, was promptly welcomed with the piercing, ear-splitting blare of a child's shrieks.

 

Bella face-planted in shock.Somehow her hands, which had been reaching toward her head to cover her ears, reacted quickly to catch the fall.

 

"Oh my goodness! Are you okay?!" the witness to Bella's fall blubbered, leaning her speckled face over the desk unhelpfully.

 

Bella scrambled to her feet, face bright with mortification. "Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I tripped." As if the secretary didn't already know. "I came for my schedule." She rushed to inform her, anything to move past her inability to walk in a straight line. The howls continued but, now that the shock factor had worn off, it wasn't as loud as she had thought: kind of like the ringing in someone's ears after listening to music too loud. It was annoying, faded, slightly alarming, and a bit uncomfortable - but, manageable.

 

"Oh!" Bella saw the immediate awareness light her eyes. "You're Isabella!"

 

Bella cringed, she knew it. The entire school population expected, her, a topic of gossip no doubt. Daughter of the Chief's flighty ex-wife, come home at last.

 

"Just Bella," she pleaded.

 

"Of course," the secretary said, digging through a precariously stacked pile of documents on her desk till she found the ones she was looking for. 'Let me get your papers..."

 

Once the woman's attention shifted, Bella briefly allowed herself to delve into the kid's essence. The shrill wails pealed with impatience - a child in the midst of a tantrum. The boy had been very spoiled in his short life if he's spending the afterlife in a constant state of wanting something. It was hard, and a bit heartbreaking, to imagine that was this kid's version of "peace."

 

The boy didn't feel like a son or a son-like figure. There would be a stronger connection if he were; an underlying affection between the two of them that was almost tangible to Bella. No… there was a connection between them. The secretary loved him a lot – if she didn't he wouldn't be living on through her – but, it was a different love; strong but, flexible. A sibling, or a nephew, perhaps. If so a very close nephew.

 

The knowledge of this strangers loss pricked at Bella's heart, how awful, to lose someone so young. Granted, Bella had seen it a hundred times before, but it still wounded her regardless. Because of that, Bella began to concentrate on blocking the childlike spirit from her conscious as much as possible, relishing in the slow dwindling of his unhappy shrieks.

 

In her worry for what would come today, she had neglected to ensure that her wall was up and solidified around her mind. Usually, a rested spirit – especially one this young and, unfocused - shouldn't have been able to get through Bella's defenses. She had learned how to filter out the rested years ago; it wasn't even that difficult considering they were so passive.

Bella needed to step up her game.

 

"I have your schedule right here, and a map of the school." The office lady haunted by Casper said, bringing several sheets to the counter to show her.

 

She went through Bella's classes for her, highlighting the best route to each on the map, and gave her a slip to have each teacher sign, which Bella was to bring back at the end of the day. The secretary smiled at her and hoped, like Charlie, that she would like it here in Forks. Bella smiled back as convincingly as she could before, starting the trek to the building with her first class.

Bella's first-period teacher, a tall, balding man whose desk had a nameplate identified him as Mr. Mason, actually gawked at Bella when he read her name off the slip. Awaked at her. Like a monkey in a zoo.

 

Fantastic.

 

Other than the gwaking incident, English passed smoothly. Bella didn't have to introduce herself to the class and, no impromptu Caspers made a significant appearance. She, of course, felt the presences of spirits milling about, deep in her subconscious. Like balls of energy attached to her classmates, but none prodded into her mind. It seemed the small town ghost had nothing show. Good.

As soon as the Bella rung, a gangly kid with unhealthy skin and hair as black as oil grease, slicked up the aisle to talk to Bella.

 

"You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?" He looked like he belonged in the mathletes. The energy of the beings around him was particularly weak, almost nonexistent. How refreshing.

 

"Bella," I corrected.

 

"Need help finding your next class? " he asked. Bella tentatively agreed, mostly out of politeness.

 

"I'm Eric," he beamed, looking at her as if they were already the best of friends. "If you wanna be on the front cover of the school newspaper, just let me know. I run it." The second bell rung, "Let's roll, new girl."

 

Well, alright then.

 

Bella later blamed that over-enthusiasm that made her think it was a good idea to use herself a butt to an albino joke.

 

Before Bella knew it, it was lunchtime. Her morning had passed by similarly to her first period – excluding her trig class where the teacher thought it was a good idea to have her introduce herself to her peers. After two classes, Bella started to recognize several of the faces in each class, along with the spirits around them. There were so little people in each class it was possible and easy to acknowledge the latent ghosts without actually having to fight them out of her body. That was new to her. In each class, there was always someone braver than the others who would introduce themselves and ask Bella questions about how she was liking Forks. She tried to be diplomatic, but mostly Bella just lied a lot.

 

At least she never needed the map.

 

It was with the girl who she'd seen more often than the others - a tiny, wild-haired girl with hazel eyes and large front teeth – that she walked to lunch with. Bella didn't pay any attention to the girl's prattle as they strolled through the damp. Bella was starting to feel quite nauseous.

 

The cafeteria, an enclosed space with almost the entire student body crammed in it. It's been years seen Bella has had lunch in an actual cafeteria; since middle school, she'd been eating school meals at the library or a bench outside, alone. The idea of Bella trapped in such a relatively small place with so many others was horrifying. She needed solitude; it kept her sane. Yet, she followed her new, nameless friend anyway. Bella didn't even want to imagine the type of rumors and, the upheaval that'd wrack the student body if the new girl disappeared during lunch. Dare she say there could even be a search party involved.

 

Once the daunting doors came into view and loomed over the two short girls, Bella panicked. She squeaked out a "wait!" before ducking down to readjust her boots.

 

The girl from Spanish asked a question that Bella couldn't hear. Bella was too busy doing something she avoided partaking in at all cost; she reached out with her sixth sense and lowered her defenses - just a smidge – to get an idea of what was going on behind those doors. Bella was careful to ensure she didn't connect with them; she only wanted to be able to see the spirits. She imagined a tiny peephole in her shield, one that could be used to peek through but, not to bond. Bella was careful to ensure she didn't open herself up enough to channel them; she only wanted to be able to look at the spirits.

 

The last thing Bella needed was another surprise like this morning.

 

Immediately, the energy of the dead fizzed and sparked around her; electrifying Bella in a way she still wasn't accustomed too. Bursts of sheer white, a mixture of every color in the rainbow plus an eight-color Bella had never been able to name, loitered about in the distant. None of them felt too strong, none of them crackled in a way that signified need, or desperation. They were all rested; they were all at peace, in their own ways. She could do this.

 

The girl next to Bella was staring at her strangely once she rose from her position. Blood rushed to Bella's cheeks without permission.

 

"Uhh, are you done with your shoe?"

 

"Yeah?" It came out more as a question than a response. Bella cringed.

 

Jessica, Bella suddenly remembered her name was, didn't speak to her again on their way to a table.

Jessica led them at the end of a full table with several of her friends, who she introduced to Bella despite her obvious reluctance. Bella forgot all their names as soon as Jessica spoke them and, they all burst into conversation; chattering away, unbothered. Bella contributed here and there but mostly stayed quiet. She felt a little too heated like there was an electric undercurrent beneath her skin. The lingering effects of opening her mind's eye like that while still keeping them out unnerved Bella. It left her fingers tingling and, the hairs on her arm standing at attention.

 

Bella didn't mind too much, though. She was actually quite proud of herself. Here she was smack in the middle of a crowd of people, and those attached to them, not holding onto her sanity by a thread. It was the same in the airport; smaller crowds, fewer presences, more control, sturdier defenses. Only a bit of a buzz and, a harmless twinge in her temple from the slight increase of pressure on Bella's mental barricade, hinted to her abnormalness.

 

Bella might've not been happy in Forks, and it's dreary countenance, but so far it's done wonders for her mental health. That was something.

 

So Bella relaxed; put any discomfort she was experiencing on the back burner and, with as much vigor as she could muster - which wasn't a lot even in her hopeful mood - conversed with these seven, curious, ordinary strangers.

 

And, that's when they came in.

 


	2. Breathe

_ “Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.” _ _  
_ _ -Yumi Sakugawa _   


* * *

 

Bella felt them before she saw them. 

  
  


As soon as the wide oak doors opened she was assaulted -  _ overwhelmed. _ Her vision blanked, her nerves sizzled and her mental walls quaked violently - more violently than ever before - with the sheer strength of the bundles of electricity that flew right in, scorching her brain thoroughly. 

  
  


It all happened at once, the usual sensations of a spirits touch on her shield went from probing fingers to talons, sharp and jagged, digging themselves into her subconscious and shredding every defense she put up. Bella’s ears roared with the desperate  mix of pleas and anguish, blending together in a deafening cry. Waves after waves of deep, ancient sadness, of  _ guilt,  _ crashed over her, causing Bella’s thin form to heave; demolishing her in a way she’d never experienced in her life. 

  
  


Bella’s bones  _ ached  _ with it, her lungs squeezed because of it.

  
  


Suddenly, she felt a particular pang at her temple, a crack in her shield, and a blur of colors flashed through her mind’s eye too fast for her to catch any one individual image. Memories from different people weaved together in a vortex of sunlight and, desert, snow and forest, blue uniforms, death, births, stakes of fire, cruel eyes of men looming overhead, complete darkness and, red. 

  
  


So much red… so much _ blood.  _

  
  


Bella hastily separated her mind from the onslaught, dipping her head and pulling up whatever meager defenses she could through her shattering. 

  
  


Her skull pounded in retaliation. 

  
  


A deep moan ripped itself from Bella’s mouth, the sound coming from the most painful depths of her throat while her body hunched forward even further. She rested her strained forehead on the table and, the coolness of the metal on her wet cheek was a small relief - almost nonexistent, but a relief all the same. 

  
  


“Bella? Oh my God, Bella are you okay!?” 

  
  


“Bella!”

  
  


“What’s wrong with her?!”

  
  


Jessica and the rest of her friends shrill questions barely processed through the thickness crowding Bella’s skull, they were too faint compared to the roar, but it served to remind her that she was not alone - Bella had an audience. 

  
  


Bella moaned again, from a different type of horror. 

  
  


“I need to go.” she somehow managed to gasp out despite the choking sadness and the attack on her shield. Bella wasn’t sure the words were completely understandable though, what little she could hear sounded warbled to her ears, so she tried again. “I have to leave.”

  
  


Bella couldn’t tell if that sounded any better, the pressure in her ears was still all consuming. The ringing morphed until it turned into a sentence, a sob, that made Bella’s entire body tremble with the sheer force of it. Acid seemed to leak from the cry, dripping down onto her in a trail of fire. 

  
  


**_It’s been so long_ **

  
  


The feelings that crashed over Bella then fractured her -  so intense in nature that her eyes rolled in the back of her head. 

  
  


Agony, impatience, sorrow, more guilt, forgiveness, pride, _ love,  _ heartbreak - threaded together. Bella’s entire body went even more rigid, like a rubber band stretched too thin, pulled taut until she had no other choice but too snap. 

  
  


Yet, Bella held on.

  
  


_ Breathe  _ she sluggishly attempted to coach herself. Her lungs were starting to burn from the lack of oxygen coming in. Her breaths were coming out in short pants.  _ Breathe _

  
  


The familiar mantra tried to push its way into the forefront of her conscious -  past the claws embedded into her brain, the electricity sizzling her blood and the painful splintering of her shield. 

  
  


_ Breathe _

  
  


“Do you need to go to the nurse? Do you need to throw up?” 

  
  


Bella didn’t recognize the voice, she couldn’t hear it.  

  
  


_ Just breathe _

  
  


That was what her Grandmother had told her as a child when she got overwhelmed like this - to just breathe, to anchor herself, balance herself, when the push and pull of the dead wrecked her. 

  
  


“Just breathe.” Grandam Swan used to say,  _ “ _ Find the balance between the living and dead, Bella. Learn to reach the equilibrium. You can do it, we’re the only ones who can. We are the in-between.”

  
  


That was what Bella needed to focus on, finding the equilibrium, the balance. 

  
  


_ Breathe _

  
  


She drew in air, her blanched face tightening uncomfortably as she did so, then released it. The breath felt tumultuous, unsteady. There was dim shuffling around the table and something warm - too warm - rested on Bella’s shoulder, tugging on her.

  
  


Words might’ve been said but, Bella didn’t pay attention, just followed the uncomfortable heat on wobbly feet wherever it led her. The sweet sounds of a woman singing a lullaby, just a whisper of it, had wafted into the cafeteria replacing the pained pleas. 

 

Iit was all Bella could hear. 

  
  


_ Deep in the meadow, under the willow, _

  
  


_ A bed of grass, a soft green pillow. _

  
  


The burst of complete, untouched love that filled every crevice of her shaking body calmed Bella immediately. It was a motherly love, an infinite one. Bella let it in without a fight and leaned on the borrowed emotion, at least until she got out of the cafeteria. 

  
  


_ Lay down your head, and close your eyes. _

  
  


_ And when they open, the sun will rise. _

  
  


She tripped many times on her way to the exit of the cafeteria as she walked blindly, still submerged in white oblivion and the crackle of energy all around her jolting through her uncomfortably, but whoever it was that led her away seemed to straighten Bella up before she could hit the ground. The woman - the mother - continued her dwindling, silvery melody.

  
  


_ Here it's safe, and here it's warm. _

  
  


_ Here the daisies guard you from every harm. _

  
  


Then the doors opened, the muted light of the ashen sky with the outline of cars and shrubbery filtered into the white and, Bella was plopped onto the hard sidewalk in front of the building unceremoniously - she could almost see again. 

  
  


_ Here your dreams are sweet, and tomorrow brings them true. _

  
  


“Bella can you stand up?” 

  
  


_ Here is the place where I love you. _

  
  


With that last note, the hymn faded - the loss left Bella hollow.

  
  


“Bella!?” 

  
  


The pressure in her had ears lessened and, the electricity ceased, but Bella couldn’t find it in her to respond. She was still reeling. 

  
  


_ Breathe,  _ Bella reminded herself.

  
  


It took all of her limited concentration, but with the electric current running through her limbs not as intense as it was inside, she managed to force herself to inhale shakily despite the discomfort, then let it out in a short pant. That assuaged the burn in her deprived lungs, but it wasn't enough. She tried it again and the second time around the action came a little easier - the exhale executed a little more smoothly. 

 

 

Bella continued like this, pounding head between her knees and taking slow, deep breaths until her body seemed to deflate a bit and breathing came naturally again.

 

 

Finally, with oxygen circulating Bella’s system, the trembling stopped and the stress around her temples let up. Bella’s sore eyes fluttered open, her head lifted. The concern gaze of a tan girl with purple glasses and messily tied  black hair came into view. Jessica stood behind her, looking alarmed. 

 

 

“Bella? Are you okay? What the hell happened?” Jessica demanded, not helping Bella’s headache in the least. The girl crouched in front of her whipped around and glared. 

 

“Jess, give her a second,” she hissed before turning back to Bella and finishing kindly, “just take  a minute okay. Let us know when your ready to talk or if you need us to take you to the nurse or something.”

  
  


Oh, Bella liked her. 

  
  


It took her a moment to respond - Bella’s tongue was incredibly dry - and when she finally did what came out was an apology. 

  
  


“I’m sorry,” Bella rasped, “ I - I got nauseous. Must’ve been what I ate for breakfast.” 

  
  


The girl with the glasses looked understanding; Jessica not so much. Bella didn’t blame her, the excuse sounded lame - Bella really was a terrible liar - but she was sure she looked so pathetic that her classmates wouldn’t argue. 

  
  


They didn’t. 

  
  


“That happens,” the glasses girl nodded, black eyes twinkling sympathetically, “ do you need us to take you to the nurse, or the bathroom? Or, call the Chief?”

  
  


“No!” Bella surged forward, her muscles protesting at the movement, as if to stop the helpful girl from doing just that even though she made no movement to do so , “no, it’s just a bit of nausea it’ll pass. No need to get Charlie involved.”

  
  


That would just add to the mortification she would no doubt be obsessing over when she settled down a bit more. Who knew who had already saw her in her half dead to the world state earlier in the cafeteria? The last thing Bella needed was having Charlie come in with his siren on and, red and blue’s flashing to pick her up. 

  
  


No, that would be unacceptable.

  
  


“Okay, okay no calling the Chief,” the girl digressed, still seeming uncertain, “at least let me help you to the nurses office. Just in case.”

  
  


“Thank you, but I’m fine,” Bella repeated a bit more firmly as she forced the corner of her lips up - it was a difficult movement, her skin felt waxy. “I just need to splash some water on my face really. This happens too often to get my dad involved.”

  
  


This was a half truth - it had happened before, but never like that. 

  
  


Charlie didn’t need to know that though. Truth was, Bella didn’t even want to think about what happened in that lunchroom yet - she was too shaken. 

  
  


“Do you want me to help you to the bathroom, then? There’s one in the building right over there.” 

She pointed one finger at the maroon building, a couple of feet away. 

  
  


“Please,”  Bella said, nodding thankfully. Usually she would be too embarrassed but, at that moment, she needed it. 

  
  


“Okay, let’s get you up then,” the girl straightened herself up and leaned over to pull a still wobbly Bella up, “Up you go.” 

  
  


Jessica rolled her eyes as she stepped forward to help. 

  
  


Both girls grunted at the effort it took to stand Bella up - once she was on two feet real nausea washed over her. Jessica and the other girl steadied Bella’s swaying. 

  
  


“Woah, there. Is this okay? If you’re going to throw up let us know.” Angela said, keeping a tight grip on Bella’s waist. 

  
  


Jessica flinched back immediately, eyes wide like saucers. It seems she hadn’t thought of the threat of getting vomit on herself. 

  
  


“No, I’m fi-”

  
  


“So can I go back in now, or do you still need me?” Jessica interrupted, borderline rudely, “I mean if you got this Angela…” her hazel eyes darted to the cafeteria doors. 

  
  


Bella nodded again, memorizing the name of the girl still holding her, “Yeah Jessica, go ahead. Thank you.” 

  
  


Jessica gave Bella a bright, obviously fake, smile. “Anytime, Bella! That’s what friends are for!” 

  
  


She hurried to the lunch room. 

  
  


Angela shook her head, “you get used to her.”

  
  


Bella snorted and mumbled “I bet,” in response. 

  
  


Neither girl spoke again as they trekked toward the nearest building. Bella was grateful, considering her throbbing head and how real the threat of Bella letting go all the sickness building up in her throat was. 

  
  


Poor Angela didn’t deserve that. 

  
  


Bella  scarcely focused on moving her feet as they walked; most of her attention was on trying to piece together her busted mental shield. It had taken quite a beating and she could feel the effects of the pummeling. 

  
  


The energy linked to Angela, a dormant, ambitious spirit that smelt of spices, was getting through to her; a rested spirit completely at ease like that shouldn’t have, not with how much experience Bella had. And, more importantly, it  _ hurt. _ The type of contentment exuding from the presence to her left shouldn't have brought Bella pain at all, but with her head as tender and battered as it was, it did. 

  
  


Bella’s shield was severely weakened - the idea terrified her. 

  
  


The reason why it was cracked scared her even more.

  
  


At the reminder of her little “episode”, panic and adrenaline raced through Bella; starting up her heart once again. 

  
  


Who  _ were  _ those people? Bella could tell there was more than one. She hadn’t seen their faces or anything but, Bella had never encountered people so totally  _ haunted _ before. The spirits energy felt different, it felt coiled and caged, running with a type of flickering, yet scorching heat of a light bulb left on for too long. They didn’t feel like any of the presences Bella had ever felt before, they were old -  _ ancient _ almost - and despairing in a way that couldn’t be healthy for the people they haunted…  that shouldn’t even be possible. 

  
  


The only explanation could think of for  _ that _ type of distress in a spirit (or in that case more than one) is if they’ve been in that unstable state for  _ ages  _ but that couldn’t be possible, could it? 

  
  


Ghosts that love someone enough in their lifetime to linger on with them once they die, leave a substantial part of themselves with that person, become tied to that person - their energies become one. When that living person dies too the small part of their loved ones that stayed moves on to another person with them.  It was one of Newton’s laws, energy can neither be created nor destroyed; it can only be transformed from one form to another.

  
  


Presences couldn’t feel  _ old,  _ they shared the lifetime of the person they exist with but, those presences not only felt old - they felt  _ archaic _ . If Bella didn’t know of a spirits lifetime she would say they had been around - been lost, been without peace - for  _ centuries _ . 

  
  


But, it wasn’t possible… was it?

  
  


Could it be that these spirits had been generationally passed down? That these weren’t the spirits of high school students but, spirits of their parents or grandparents that latched onto them?

  
  


Bella shook her head _. No that can’t happen,  _ she reminded herself. For someone to leave a part of their soul with someone else there needs to be love involved - a deep-rooted, genuine love. Not the type that comes from distant familial relations. 

  
  


None of it made sense. 

  
  


Once Bella and Angela had made their way into the bathroom Bella automatically stumbled over to the sink,leaned heavily on its side, fumbled with the faucet and, once it turned on, splashed the cold water on her overheated cheeks and hot neck. 

  
  


“A little better?” 

  
  


“A bit,” Bella admitted not mentioning her weak knees or the fatigue that had replaced the overwhelming sensations from before. She opted to move on to more pressing matters, “who  _ were  _ they? The ones who came in before we left.”

  
  


Bella wasn’t in the right state of mind to elaborate - she didn’t even need too. Angela looked up with a knowing glint in her coal eyes, well aware of who Bella meant already, and smiling slightly. 

  
  


“Even sick you noticed them,” she snickered good-naturedly, “those were Doctors Cullen’s kids.” 

  
  


Bella knew who that was, Charlie had spoken highly of the “good Doctor” for years. What Bella didn’t know is what Angela meant by “even sick you noticed them”. Bella knew why she herself noticed them, but why did everyone else?

  
  


“What’s so different about them?” 

  
  


Angela’s olive skin flushed lightly, her smile grew abashed. “Well, I mean beside the obvious. They’re all in…” she struggled to find the word, “relationships. Together, you know. Which is fine! They’re not actually related and I don’t judge, I’m happy for them. But, it does cause a bit of gossip. Unwarranted gossip. It’s their lives they should do what they want with it. It’s nobody else’s business.” 

  
  


Bella blinked drowsily as she processed the information. Now, that was unexpected, admittedly even in Phoenix that would cause a bit of gossip. It seemed Angela didn’t agree with whatever this small town has to say about the Cullen family. 

  
  


Her and Charlie would get along. 

  
  


“What do you mean the obvious?” 

  
  


Angela’s cheeks grew darker and she shifted shyly, “well, you saw them didn’t you? They’re very… nice-looking.” 

  
  


Bella’s lip twitched and she ignored the twinge she felt  as they did.  _ Small towns _ , they turn little things like someone’s appearance into big deals. Bella was sure it wasn’t that big of a deal. 

  
  


Personally, she wasn’t concerned with their alleged prettiness. 

  
  


“So they’re all adopted?” That would explain the amount of ghosts they carried, even if it didn’t explain the… age of the ghosts. Likely the people they loved - their biological family - were dead. 

  
  


Bella flinched at the cruelness of her thoughts. 

  
  


“Sort of. Dr. Cullen is really young, in his twenties or early thirties. Emmet, Alice and, Edward are all adopted. The Hales, Jasper and Rosalie, are brother and sister, twins and they're foster children.” 

  
  


Bella noticed those were strange, unpopular names. The kinds of names grandparents had. She briefly wondered if that was in style here, small town names, but then she remembered that her new friends names are Angela, Eric and Jessica. Perfectly normal names. 

  
  


Huh. 

  
  


"That's really kind of nice — for them to take care of all those kids like that, when they're so young and everything." Bella muttered, truly impressed with these young adults for taking care of so many children of their own volition. 

  
  


Angela nodded enthusiastically in agreement. 

  
  


“That’s what I say. The Cullens are a really kind family, they’re all very nice and they donate a lot to charities and the community. Dr. Cullen works closely with my dad - The Mayor - and I’ve met Mrs.Cullen. She’s probably the nicest person in town. People just talk smack because the Cullens like to keep too themselves and they’re jealous of them.” 

  
  


“Of their looks,” Bella guessed.

  
  


Angela giggled again, “yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous. It’s not their fault they’re… you know. They shouldn’t be judged by it.”

  
  


Bella didn’t know but, she agreed all the same 

  
  


Bella took a second before she asked her next question to continue splashing the cool water all over herself and rub her temples in an attempt to soothe the dull pain from Angela’s spirit away. The headache had finally started to let up but, as that discomfort slightly diminished, her exhaustion rose steadily. 

  
  


"Have they always lived in Forks?" Surely, she would have noticed them on one of her summers here. 

  
  


Noticed them and stayed far away. 

  
  


"No," she said, "They just moved down two years ago from somewhere in Alaska." 

  
  


Bella felt a surge of pity, horror and relief. Pity because, they were outsiders, clearly not accepted. Relief that she wasn't the only newcomer here, and certainly not the most interesting by any standard; and, horror because they were here to stay. She would have to go to school with them for at least a year and a half. 

  
  


There went her plan on finding some more normalcy and stability in this small town - just Bella’s luck. 

  
  


“Okay,” she whispered, squeezing her swollen, red rimmed eyes shut. She turned and leaned her bum against the sink, careful not to look at her own reflection. Bella didn’t want to know how much of a mess she looked like.”You can go back to the cafeteria, you know. I’ll just stay here until the bell rings.”

  
  


“Bella, no I can stay.” 

  
  


Bella tiredly, shook her head, “I don’t want you to miss lunch because of me. Go, it’s okay.” 

  
  


“If you’re sure….” she sounded reluctant. 

  
  


“I am,” Bella assured, opening her eyes to look at her new friend fully; to show her the emotion in her eyes.  “Thank you, for helping me. You didn’t have to. I really appreciate it.” 

  
  


Angela smiled, unlike Jessica’s, it radiated sincerity. “Anytime, Bella. Please, if you don’t feel any better before class, go to the nurse.”

  
  


Bella agreed, knowing it was a lie, and Angela - along with the spicy smell that made Bella’s nostrils sting - left. 

  
  


Almost instantaneously, what remained of Bella’s headache lessened and the lingering stress on her shield disappeared.   

  
  


She turned back to her previous position gripping onto the edges of the sink and released a shaky breath of relief. A weight had been lifted of Bella but, she still felt hollow. She had been loaded with so many emotions in such a short span of time that now it felt strange - _ empty - _ to only be experiencing her own feelings.  

  
  


All Bella was left with was confusion and fatigue.

  
  


Suddenly, the door of the bathroom opened and the lightest of footsteps approached. Bella immediately straightened up and tried to make it look like she was simply washing her hands. 

  
  


How hadn’t she felt the person coming before? Especially in the sensitive state Bella was in she should’ve been able to feel the energy approaching - no matter how passive - from a couple feet away. 

  
  


“Hello,” a high, bell like voice greeted, echoing around the bathroom beautifully. Bella jumped at the noise, shocked at the enchanting, angelic sound. “You’re Isabella Swan, right?” 

  
  


The person the voice belonged to shocked Bella even more. 

  
  


She was excessively short - shorter than Bella’s 5’2 - and was pixie-like; thin in the extreme, with small features. Her hair was deep black, cropped short and pointing in every direction. Her eyes were gold and doe-like, framed by delicate long lashes that brushed the tops of her ivory cheekbones femininely.

  
  


She was  _ beautiful _ , and Bella knew which family she belonged to immediately. 

  
  


Maybe she was wrong to dismiss the Cullen’s notorious beauty so carelessly.  

  
  


“I’m Alice,” the Cullen continued when Bella didn't answer. Her perfect, porcelain face morphed with alluring concern, “are you alright?”

  
  


“Huh?” Bella gasped, only then realizing she had stopped inhaling in her surprise at Alice Cullen's unrivaled perfection. Why was she asking her that? 

  
  


“Are you well? You look a bit sick and we saw you leave the cafeteria with your friends. You looked faint” 

  
  


That broke Bella out of her awe and she groaned deeply. 

  
  


“You saw that?” Bella winced, nose scrunching up in disdain How many people saw the new girl, stumble out of the cafeteria looking like a zombie?  _ Just my luck... _

  
  


Alice gave a small, tinkling laugh, “don’t worry barely anyone noticed. Not even I noticed really, it was my boyfriend who did.” 

  
  


Bella still felt mortified by anyone noticing her breakdown but, at least it was only one person, as far as she knew.

  
  


“Sorry he had to see that,” Bella said, damp face flushing with her embarrassment. Bella shuffled awkwardly. “If he’s worried tell him I’m fine, please.” 

 

Alice’s fairly like face changed again, the worry taking over her features more prominent than before. “I’ll let him know when I get home. He had to leave early.”

  
  


“Oh?” Bella asked, frowning. Why had he left early if he was just at lunch? “Is he okay?” 

  
  


Alice frowned slightly, thin brows bunched together lightly. “Jasper wasn’t feeling well,” she gave Bella a meaningful look that had her feeling particularly exposed. “He was feeling a bit...  _ overwhelmed _ .”

  
  


Bella swallowed audibly and glanced at her feet as her pale already flushed face heated up even more. She couldn’t shake the sense that Alice was blaming her for her boyfriend not feeling well, but that was impossible….

  
  


_ “Are _ you okay?”

  
  


“Yes, I’m fine thanks.” 

  
  


Then the realization crashed down on Bella. She  _ was _ fine, or at least as fine as she was when Alice Cullen walked in.  There were still no spirits nearby, no probing fingers knocking on her delicate shield, no buzz of energy -  _ nothing.  _

  
  


Alice Cullen had no spirits attached to her. 

  
  


Bella’s knees almost gave out at the realization. 

  
  


In all her years - for as long as she can remember - Bella had never encountered anyone without a spirit tied to them, without any type of white glow lingering around them like a halo or an aurora. Bella’s Grandmother had told her that everyone had a spirit because, everyone had people who loved them. No matter what they’ve down or how they act - everyone is loved. Whether it’s their parents or spouses or close friends; there will always be someone in your life who leaves a part of themselves with you when they pass. 

  
  


Alice Cullen did not - she had no one.

  
  


The fact unsettled an already rattled Bella greatly. She had been prepared for feeling too much from one of the Cullens, not nothing at all.  Bella wasn’t prepared to feel nothing at all from  _ anybody _ . 

  
  


It put the validity of the rules her Grandmother had told her up to question.  _ All _ the Cullens were doing that, and she hadn’t even met them yet. 

  
  


Bella’s puffy eyes filled with even more tears. She couldn’t _ deal _ with this - she didn’t want too. 

  
  


How was she supposed to handle these strangers completely turning her world upside down? Invalidating everything she’s ever known and accepted about her ability? Literally desecrating the defenses she’d spent years strengthening? 

  
  


The salty tears spilled over. 

  
  


“Are you sure you are alright, Isabella? You seem distressed,” Alice danced forward softly, gracing Bella with worried yet warm butterscotch eyes.“Would you like me to take you home? I’m sure nobody would mind -”

  
  


“No,” Bella choked, bending down and fumbling with the strap of her backpack. She barely noticed Alice kept on calling her Isabella, probably because Bella had forgotten to correct her. “I’m fine. Just tired.” Once the strap was secured over her shoulder, Bella hurried forward, careful not too meet the concern etched in the lines of Alice’s countenance or the lovely gold hue of her abnormal eyes. “I have to go to class.” 

  
  


“Isabella!” the melodious voice called - a siren song - but Bella had already slammed the door. 

  
  


She would feel bad about that later. 

  
  


As Bella stumbled through the hall, furiously scrubbing her tears and trying to wrap her head around her existential crisis, the bell rung. 

  
  


She still had two classes left. 

  
  


Bella quelled the panic rising up in her chest What was she going to do? Got to class as vulnerable as she was now? Usually, Bella hated ditching class, she’d never done it in her life, but she knew without a doubt going would be the worst thing she could do to herself at the moment. 

  
  


She pushed through the building, her fingers digging into the pocket of her parkas for her car keys, decided on just going home and stitching together her defenses, then stopped in her tracks with dread once she felt the slip of paper all her teachers needed to sign at the end of the day. 

  
  


Bella had to go to class, if that slip didn’t go back to the office after school she would be considered a dropout or something of the sort. 

  
  


Bella turned moodily and stomped toward the direction of the science building she had memorized earlier this morning. The black cinder road that made up the outside of the buildings were filled once again with students and the charged aura of the dead around them; their ragged scrapes against her mental walls caused the pain in her cranium to flare.

  
  


_ Breathe,  _ she repeated to herself.  _ Breathe _

 

* * *

 

Bella couldn’t sense, with her faulty human perceptions, the monster she had stepped in front of on her way to biology - one heading in the same direction as her. 

  
  


She had no clue that, in that untimely moment, a strong gust of wind carried her heavenly, mouthwatering scent - sweetened by the perfume of her fear - all the way to the sleeping beast; tempting him. Unleashing him. 

  
  


She had no idea from that moment on she was being followed by a creature so hidden in shadow and darkness, even her sixth sense couldn’t recognize him nearing.

  
  


She didn’t know what would come. 

* * *

  
  


Bella pulled the hoodie of her parka up and sloshed quickly through the wet, panting slightly and slipping a few times, but getting to the science building in record time. 

  
  


As Bella climbed up the stairs to the third floor where her class was, trying to disregard the blinding balls of white littered around the area, the scorching heat of the sea of people surrounding her and the thrum in her skull, she sent a quick prayer to anyone who would listen that these next two classes would go by painlessly. 

  
  


Bella wasn’t very religious, but she needed all the help she could get. 

  
  


It was about a foot away from her class in room  _ 301 _ that she realized how pointless such a wish was.  

  
  


Bella was about ninety-seven percent sure there was a Cullen nearby - possibly in the class she would spend the nest fifty minutes in. 

  
  


The spirit - it was the mother that sang to Bella before - effortlessly smashed through any security Bella had left; intensifying the tingles from the docile souls floating about and, adding its own forceful electric current. Remnants of that ancient sadness, the guilt, the love and consequent heartbreak, welled up at her core again - spreading steadily throughout her entire body. 

  
  


The pleas started up again but this time it was concentrated on once voice - a genial, accented one. 

  
  


_ My sweet boy. My dear, lonely boy.  _

  
  


Bella stopped in her tracks and leaned heavily against the locker to the wall on her right, gasping erratically. 

  
  


_ Forgive. You must forgive.  _

  
  


Her vision was blanking again, all the white around expanding until it bled into every nook and cranny of her eyesight. Desperation and panic, her own combined with the crackling essences, settled into the bottom of her stomach, weighing Bella down.

  
  


The second bell rung, Bella didn’t realize the hallway was now empty. 

  
  


_ Breathe, _ Bella thought frantically; feeling the fragile thread of her consciousness weakening.  _ Breathe _

  
  


Suddenly, a touch of cold, concentrated on Bella’s forearm fought against the heat of the fevered static flowing inside her. The hand was hard like marble, but the low, velvet croon whispered into Bella’s ear was soft as satin. The delicious smell that drifted to her was intoxicating, soothing,  _ addicting.  _

  
  


“Come,” icy flesh brushed against the her neck, “it’s time to go.” 

  
  


_ Forgive him, my boy.  _

  
  


Bella’s knees gave out, everything went white and that hopelessness that wasn’t her own but also might’ve been was abruptly gone. Every sensation, every feeling, every instinct, all the sparks of the dead oozed out of her until all that was left was a dazed compliancy and the command she clutched onto in the moments where she lost all control - the moments when Bella was just a shell of who she was. 

  
  


_ Breathe.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 soundtrack song: Ready To Start by Arcade Fire  
> Chapter 2 song: When the Night is Over by Lord Huron 
> 
> Thanks for reading, the comments and the kudos!! I live for them!


	3. About Today

_   “All monsters are scared. That's why they're monsters.” _

_ ― Neil Gaiman   _

* * *

  
  
  


It all happened within a matter of seconds. Bella was the only one involved who didn’t know that though -  she was drifting. 

  
  


There was no feeling of any limbs attached to each other, no sense of balance or the pressure of something solid under her. Bella’s brain was glutinous - all gummy and melted and useless. She couldn't remember how to breathe, how to speak, how to move.

  
  


There was only the cool iron of arms wrapped around her midsection like steel cables, the icy-cold exhales that frosted that sensitive spot right between her neck and shoulder, the feathery tickle of silken hair just brushing across the bottom of her jaw; the touch of a frigid nose poking into her neck, a hard form wrapped around her - rigid and coiled against her back - and the brush of a soft kiss beneath her ear, as fleeting as a candle in the wind…

  
  


The sensations overwhelmed her, intoxicated her. 

  
  


Then, abruptly, with a large gush of air, the alabaster figure was gone, torn from Bella’s warmth, and she was left crumbling into a heap of limbs on the tile. Right before her head hit the floor thin, hard fingers wrapped tenderly around the back of her head, cradling her, stopping her from slamming against the hard floor and giving herself a concussion . 

  
  


An awful maelstrom of noises broke through the muddiness of her conscious then - a vicious, terrible symphony of muted animalistic snarls and the whispers of what sounded like granite rubbing against granite. The sounds, though hushed and frantic, made the groggy Bella wince. A complaint had barely formed in her head before the racket was gone, practically as soon as it began, and the silence echoed around Bella loudly. 

  
  


Until it didn’t. 

  
  


New sounds began to form; a slamming door and a raised voice mixed with the high soprano of something mystical, something magical weaved into it. Bella cringed and shied away from the harsh noise and tried to focus on the tinkling near her ear instead… it sounded so pretty… familiar...

  
  


Bella only caught bit’s and pieces of the conversation.

  
  


“What…. Ms.Cullen…. What’s wrong…. Why’d she….”

  
  


“She fainted…. Banged into the locker… she was sick…  before… saw her….during lunch… offered to take….” 

  
  


They were talking about her. 

  
  


Bella moved to turn her head on instinct, but the pads rubbing her scalp tensed, keeping her in place. Bella, with great effort, blinked up blearily but her eyelids were too heavy; everything was too bright, they fell shut at the strain almost immediately. 

  
  


_ Who’s squashing my brain? _ She gripped inwardly, drunkenly almost. Her head felt funny...

  
  


_ It’s okay _ Bella thought drowsily,  _ It’s okay I don’t need to see _ . She was drifting, she was air… or maybe she was drowning?  It didn’t matter… everything was fine… she decided to just wait until she drifted far far away.

  
  


The magic woman spoke again, “Isabella?”, the name came out like a chime of bells, jolting Bella a little further into awakeness - just barely. 

  
  


Bella frowned, resisting the pull to consciousness… she was going away now, they had to leave her alone… it was time to sleep...

  
  


Eventually, with those cold, stone fingers still wrapped around her skull, she did. 

 

* * *

 

When Bella woke up again, it was too bright, the cot under her was too hard, Grandma Swans warm presence was wrapped around her like a soft blanket of silk, assuaging the dull ache in her head, and Charlie’s moustache was too close to her face. 

  
  


“Oh, Bells. Thank God, your up” he said from his place hovered over her, “how you feeling?” 

  
  


“Fine,” Bella croaked, her response instantaneous,  _ instinctive _ and probably not true. “What happened?” 

  
  


“You fainted… nausea and a stomach ache,” Charlie’s stare was loaded with implication, his eyes cautious, “must’ve been your breakfast and the nerves for the day. The school nurse wanted you to go to the hospital, but I told her you’ll be fine once you wake up and get some more rest. She’s in the other room, she’ll be back soon.” 

  
  


Translation, Bella’s gift acted up, she fainted, food poisoning was the cover story, a hospital visit was avoided (which was for the best considering there was nothing provably wrong with her) and, they couldn’t talk freely because they weren’t alone. 

  
  


Thank God for Charlie, her very own partner in crime -- sort of.  

  
  


Bella licked her chapped lips, nodded to show she understood and fought the fog clinging to her mind. There was a question she had to ask, something she needed to know,  _ immediately. _

  
  


“Where is he? The man, the one that was behind me.”  _ With a voice like honey and solid arms and hard planes and cold lips and a mother who loves him. Oh, no his mother.  _ “He needs my help. His mother, she -”

  
  


“Bella,” Charlie snapped, then softened, “Bella, whoever you… whoever you  _ heard _ , you can’t. You know the rules, you know how it is.”

  
  


Bella shook her head wildly, mumbling her protest. She was groggy and tired and her eyes felt too heavy, but she knew what she wanted. She knew what she  _ needed  _ to do. She needed to see him - whoever he was. 

  
  


_ Him,  _ his mother, they were in so much pain. And, not too mention, she was about one hundred and ten percent sure this mystery man had  _ kissed  _ her, on the neck granted, but still - she needed to know why. She needed to know what  _ happened. _

  
  


In her muddled sate she couldn’t make sense of it. 

  
  


“Ch - Dad, please. I -”

  
  


“No, Bella, just -” Charlie paused when he heard the tap of shoes heading in their direction, he ran a restless hand through his short hair and stroked his moustache hurriedly, “go to sleep Bells. It’s been a rough day, we’ll talk about this at home. Now that you woke up I’m gonna sign the schools accident report and we’ll head out.” 

  
  


Bella scowled, not appreciating being told what to do and dismissed in such a manner but, settled down anyway as Charlie left the nurses office to head to the main one - taking Grandma with him. 

  
  


She scowled at the lost of Grandma’s Swan’s gentle aura. 

 

Bella promised herself then she wouldn’t just like the boy go. She would find out what happened. She would discover who he was, why he was  _ lonely _ as his mother put it and, Bella would bring peace to the poor soul later - she’d make sure of it. There was no way she could just ignore the sheer hopelessness and desperation the woman emitted. 

  
  


For now though, Bella’s head was pounding, she missed Grandma Swan terribly and the world was too bright.

 

Her eyes closed. 

 

* * *

 

 

Sixty-eight. 

  
  


In a box in his room, stashed away in an oversized closet under a pile of clothes he hadn’t touched in decades, Edward Cullen had a file of all his high school diplomas. Sixty-eight of them, to be exact.

  
  


He regretted returning for a sixty-ninth.

  
  


Outside the car windows the lush green trees streaked by at warped speed. Edward tried to focus on that rather than the iron grip of his brothers hard fingers around his arm, or the loud, panicked thoughts circling around the car. Most importantly, Edward tried to ignore the monster raving somewhere deep in his chest; awakened from the heady scent of Bella Swan still clinging possibly on him, taunting and rich.  

 

Edward, as much as he loathed it, yearned for the little girl: lusted after her sweet aroma and the alluring pounding of her heart. Even now, miles away,  the addictive rush of her veins called to him, the feel of her throat brushing against his ready mouth warmed his lips. He was so _ close  _ to tasting her. He needed to taste her, Edward had never craved anything, anyone more in all his -- 

  
  


Alice saw it then, as Edwards resolve wavered and another choice spun his future in a darker direction.

  
  


“Jasper, calm him” she gasped, from her place in the front seat, but, the future still unfolded. The visions still played out for both of them to see. They saw it all. 

  
  


The image of Bella Swan, dead. Edward’s eyes, glowing crimson with fresh blood. The search that would follow. The careful time the Cullens  would wait before it was safe for us to pull out and

start again…

  
  


The picture grew more specific as the monster in Edward rejoiced and clutched onto the that path; propelled Edward toward it. 

  
  


He saw the inside of Chief Swan’s house for the first time, saw Bella in a small kitchen with the yellow cupboards, her back toward Edward as he stalked her from the shadows...let the scent pull him toward her...

  
  


A roar of utter hunger tore itself from the depths of Edward’s blazing throat. The violent wave of melancholy Jasper sent his way cut the sound off before it ran its course. 

  
  


“Edward, don’t.” Jasper snapped at his side in the backseat of the volvo. Emmett’s fingers tightened - almost painfully - in response. 

  
  


“God dammit! Control yourself, Edward.” Rosalie snarled, turning to sneer at Edward over her shoulder from her place in the front seat. She directed her vicious thoughts directly at him. 

  
  


_ Selfish, uncontrolled  _ **_bastard_ ** _. Do you understand what you’ve done to us?! How close you came to exposing us?! How much danger you’ve put us in? When Carlisle hears - _

  
  


The mention of his father spared him almost immediately. 

  
  


Without permission, a growl erupted from Edward, pushing past his gnashed teeth and clenched jaw. It was a sound rooted in shame as much as it was a warning. Even though Edward’s mind struggled with his monstrous desire to quench the inferno in his throat and the murderous need to taste the sweet nectar of her blood still stirred in him, the cravings were no longer so demanding they completely consumed him. 

  
  


As Edward thought of his father he could set aside the monster and  he was allowed to  _ feel _ his remorse, his regret. 

  
  


Edward utterly  _ disgraced _ Carlisle today; disregarded almost a century of teachings, and broke a sacred trust that had taken Edward eighty years to mend after the atrocities committed in his early years. 

  
  


And then there was Esme, sweet, dear Esme with her kind heart, ready warmth and caring nature. 

  
  


How would Edward face her after what he’d done? After what he almost did? How was he supposed to tell her that he had succumbed so easily? That all it took was one poorly timed gust of wind to send him on a rampage? How would she react when she discovered that it took the combined effort of Rosalie, Jasper and Emmet to tear him away from the girl, that he actually  _ fought _ his siblings - her children - in his ravenous haze? No, he wasn’t strong enough to look into the warm butterscotch of her eyes and see disappointment replace the usual adoration there. 

  
  


Edward’s still heart squeezed violently as a surge of self-loathing crashed over him, almost strong enough to substitute the bloodlust.

  
  


“Edward,” Jasper said, his southern twang losing it’s hard edge, “don’t do that either. It happens, it’s what we are.” 

  
  


“No, Jasper _you_ don’t.” Rosalie hissed with a snap of her teeth, “Don’t make excuses for him. He was a centimeter away from killing her. In broad daylight. In the middle of a school _hallway_! Do you understand what type of damage that would’ve done to us? We would’ve had to live like hermits for years!” _Selfish, selfish, selfish… Ruining our lives..._

  
  


For once Edward and Rosalie were in complete agreement. Though, her complete disregard for the humans life and focus on what would’ve happened to  _ them _ if  _ she _ had died irked Edward and plucked at his already strained nerves. 

  
  


“No, we wouldn’t have,” Alice interjected,  “we just would’ve left the country.”

  
  


After a long investigation and months of constant worry, but that specific tibet remained unspoken. 

  
  


_ “Oh _ , and that’s so much better, Alice?!” Rosalie shrieked, out loud and in her thoughts.  

 

Edward winced. 

  
  


“Better than a dead girl? Yes, it is!”

  
  


Edward winced again at the reminder of what could’ve been, sucking in a sharp bit of air on accident. He regretted the careless action immediately as the mouth-watering fragrance lingering on his clothes sent him spiraling once again; invading his senses, and obscuring any portion of reasoning he had managed to salvage. 

  
  


Jasper sent a wave of calm in both his and Rosalie's direction. If Edward was capable of it at that moment, he would’ve been thankful. But all he was capable of in his state was a vague sense of relief from his more human side and just an overwhelming feeling of  _ want _ from the monster . 

  
  


_ Relax, Edward. We’re almost there, just hold your breath. _

  
  


“And, why exactly did you not see this coming Alice? Aren’t you supposed to see this kind of stuff.”

  
  


Alice’s nostrils flared, her lip curled and an agitated rumble shook her tiny body, Rosalie had hit a nerve. “I see decisions, Rosalie! Edward didn’t  _ decide  _ to try to kill her. This wasn’t preemptive! It caught us all by surprise! Besides, I saw what was happening anyway and we were able to stop him before it was too late!”

  
  


“It should’ve never happened, period!” 

  
  


“Rosie,” Emmet cautioned, “come on. Jazz is right this isn’t the first time something like this has happened, and it sure as hell won’t be the last. Cut them some slack.” 

  
  


_ I mean of course, none of have fucked up quite this badly or publicly. But, at least the girl’s alive. _

  
  


“Yes, thank you Emmett,” Edward groaned, trying once again to focus on the green streak of the passing trees rather than the memory of his cold body pressed fully against the warm figure of Bella Swan, his lips mouth inches away from their goal and poised to strike….“That makes me feel so much better.”

  
  
  


_ Sorry. _

  
  


Any biting words Rosalie prepared to fling at her husband were cut when the Cullen residence came into view. Even before Rosalie parked - before she even stopped the car - the Cullen children filed out in an attempt to get away from the tortoise smell on Edward’s clothes.

  
  


Edward was the fastest of them all. 

 

With held breath he bolted up the stairs - trying hard to quell the urge to run the opposite direction to where he knew the Chief's daughter would be - and, started to rip apart the reeking clothes before he even made it to the bathroom.

  
  


Distantly, Edward heard one of his siblings (he was mentally too far gone to decipher which one) call out  _ Burn those clothes, Edward! _ with their thoughts. 

  
  


He didn’t dare stop moving.

  
  


Downstairs Edward could also hear a frantic Esme, worried and wondering why they had called an emergency family meeting so suddenly, asking silently what was wrong. He ignored his mother's words and concerned thoughts along with his families confusion and Rosalie’s shallow rage. The monster still quaked within him, demanding every bit of Edwards significant self-restraint to keep it caged while he continued to shred the fabric off his body. Without realizing what he was doing Edward tore his way into the bathroom. He maneuvered , himself into the large tub and broke the shower handle in his haste to get the water to run. 

  
  


Relief. The scorching water steamed and cascaded down his cool skin while the thick moisture clogged up his nose wonderfully, dampening the sweet temptation that stuck to Edward’s pores. 

  
  


Edward finally allowed himself to relax - just a smidge. 

  
  


The thirst was still there, prominent and frenzied. The war between what was left of the man and the monster still waged within him; but, with the scent diluted and the warmth from the water running through him, making him feel a little more man than beast, Edward could think objectively for the first time since he cut whiff of the girl’s scent in that parking lot.

  
  


He beat back the savage hunger that welled up in him at the memory of her scent.  

  
  


What  _ was  _ that? In all of  Edward’s years practicing control he’d never reacted to a human  so intensely - especially from that distance and with fresh air all around them. What was the problem with him? Sure, he hadn’t hunted for a while before today but, that didn’t merit such a monstrous response. What made her blood so utterly tempting, so mind-numbing irresistible? What was it about Bella Swan that turned Edward from a redeemed demon of the night to a mindless animal? Why was this simple, unimportant human girl able to turn Edward - a family man for all intents and purposes - against his own siblings?  

  
  


Rage burned in Edward as he pondered the girl and her tortuous blood. Edward hated her, however unjustly such a sentiment was. He knew deep down that what he really hated was himself - but, that didn’t stop the resentment that flared up within him.

  
  


Edward hated that Bella Swan. He loathed the simple, average human girl that brought out the worst in him, because that’s all she was, a plain girl that shouldn’t be able to scramble his life, his sense of self, so forcefully. 

  
  


_ That’s not entirely true though _ , Edward remembered with a jolt. No, Bella Swan was no normal human. It had taken the Cullens, Jasper and Edward specifically, mere moments upon entering the cafeteria to realize this. 

 

Almost as soon as walking into the Cafeteria Jasper had been assaulted with emotions so deep and grief filled and  _ all consuming  _ that only moments after sitting Alice had to escort him out the cafeteria.  Between Jasper’s constant struggle with their way of life and the added emotional onslaught from the Swan girl, Jasper was dangerously close to losing control. 

  
  


Edward too had been shocked upon seeing through his brothers mind the types of emotions the doe-eyed girl was emitting; emotions seemingly too tortured to come from any small town girl. Edward remembered the look on Bella’s Swan face her delicate features twisted and splotched from some kind of phantom pain, her long mane of hair thrown over her shoulder, small body hunched over the table, as if bracing herself against an onslaught. 

  
  


At the time, Edward had felt nothing but pity and intrigue; obviously, Edward felt bad she had such intense negative feelings, she was too young to be feeling such sorrow, but a part of Edward couldn’t help brush off the girl’s feelings at the time. 

  
  


Humans - especially teenagers - were vapid and overdramatic. Edward had been sure whatever it was that bothered the girl, though it might’ve seemed like the end of the world to her then, would pass. 

  
  


It hadn’t been until a couple of minutes later, after the quivering girl had been escorted out by that awful Jessica Stanley and the kind Mayor’s daughter, when Edward had walked out to the parking lot to go check up on Alice and Jasper that he realized the Swans girls meltdown had been more than simple teenage angst. 

  
  


“Edward, what did you see from the girl’s mind?” Jasper had demanded as soon as Edward was close by, pausing his pacing momentarily before continuing his short aggressive, strides.  

  
  


Alice had been there as well perched on the hood of the volvo, thin eyebrows scrunched together in concentration. Edward had seen a few flashes of the future from her mind but, the visions were watery and vague. Nothing was set in stone, though what Alice was looking for Edward hadn’t known. 

  
  


“Nothing, I didn’t bother to look and you know I prefer to block them out.” Edward dismissed, “Jasper do you really think you should still be here? Go hunt, I can get your absences excused.”  

  
  


Jasper had snarled in agitation, eyes wide and black as night, his legs not breaking stride. 

  
  


“Didn’t bother to look,” he hissed, “just  _ perfect _ .”   

  
  


Edward hadn’t paid the hiss any mind; he had been pulled into Jasper’s thoughts.  

  
  


They were short, muddled, and strained; different topics and concerns all pulling Jasper forcibly in different directions. Edward did his best to follow along. 

  
  


His brothers raging bloodlust and shame were easy enough to understand, seeing as they were a common occurrence in Jasper’s mind. The power struggle between the nature of Jasper’s empathic abilities and Jasper’s sense of peace was also easy enough to decipher; Edward could feel how the intense emotions Jasper picked up from the girl swirled and pulsed within him, instinctively searching for some kind of outlet while he mentally wrestled to bottle them up before he could unleash the negative emotions on Alice or Edward himself. Then there was the massive confusion and disbelief centered around the Swan girl at the forefront of Jasper’s frantic reflections. Jasper had recognized the emotions Bella experienced in the cafeteria as secondhand, radiating from her but drawn by some other source. 

  
  


Even deep in the recesses of Jasper’s mind Edward hadn’t been able to tell how Jasper had come to such a conclusion. Edward wasn’t sure he bought Jasper’s theory of the Swan girl being some type of empath, different and tortured maybe, but not gifted. He had felt the steady rising of his brothers bloodlust, strengthened by his agitation and the phantom sense of loss and torment picked up from the Swan girl, consuming him almost as strongly as it did in the cafeteria. Edward was sure once Jasper settled down and hunted a more plausible explanation for her agonized emotions would come to light. 

  
  
  


“Jasper,” Edward had warned as he had finally pulled himself from the depths of the empaths mind, his thirst mounted to uncomfortable levels from his time following Jasper’s thoughts. . Being in Jasper’s mind while his brother succumbed to his vampiric instincts was something Edward tried to avoid at all costs. The sensitivity of their abilities fed off each other and, between them, amplified their thirst whenever one of them was vulnerable. Edward had felt how dark his eyes had turned and, how the flames that flickered in his throat had risen. “Go hunt. We can - we can talk about this later, okay.” 

  
  


Jasper had left then without another word as an unusually subdued Alice headed toward the building across the lot to go check on Bella Swan, thoughts filled of pity for the girls suffering and frustration at her flighty visions. Edward had seen from Alice’s mind that she knew something big had been coming, or atleast the  _ possibility  _ of something  coming, she just couldn’t pinpoint what it was. 

  
  


_ I’ll let you know what it is when I figure it out Edward,  _ Alice had mentally said,  _ It’s big, and it’s inevitable I can feel it. But, there’s so much unknown…  so many decisions that haven’t been made. It’s up in the air - I don't. I don’t understand it.  _

  
  


Edward scoffed bitterly, guilt and disgust settling heavy at the bottom of his stomach like lead.  _ Well at least she understands now. After a eighty year sabbatical the monster has come out to play.  _

 

Before he could continue to wallow, the faint stirrings of another conscious appeared right at the edge of his gift. 

  
  


Edward would recognize that mind anywhere - it was Carlisle. And, he was close. 

  
  


Suddenly Edward was torn.

  
  


He saw two faces his head, side by side. One was his own; the red-eyed monster he once was, a killer of other killers, a being that thought itself to be God. The other was the face of a kind being - a being devoted and dedicated and  _ good;  _ filled to the brim with light and forgiveness. 

  
  


There was no resemblance between the two faces. They were bright day and blackest night. Good versus evil. The fallen against the prodigal son. The undeserving against the giving. 

  
  


Edward and Carlisle. 

  
  


Before he even realized what he was doing Edward was out the running shower and in his room, opening drawers and pulling out whatever fabric he got his hands on first. 

  
  


_ Edward are you leaving?  _

  
  


The question mentally directed at him shocked him out of his mindless mission and broke the dam of Edward’s temporary block on the thoughts of his family scattered around the house; loud and untamed as ever. It was a miracle he was able to block them out for the amount of time he did in the shower.  

 

He growled harshly and gave himself a moment to sort through his families turmoil - he wouldn’t be able to push them out without doing so. 

  
  


_ Idiotic! Selfish! Stupid! Moronic fool! How dare he?! It’s one thing to slip up but, to do so in the middle of the day? At school?! We’re already watched much more closely than any other vampires. He might as well have sent an invitation for the Volturi to come fry us ,that would’ve been just as effective at that stunt he pulled today! _

  
  


_ Wow, Rosie is pissed. Well, Rosie is always pissed about something, my little spitfire…. No, but for real. What happened today? That isn’t like Edward at all… Well, I’m not gonna lie it does feel kinda good, to know that even Edward isn’t completely perfect. Wow, that’s kind of an awful thing to think… Oh, well. It’s not too bad, it would be if the girl was dead but, she’s not. Just a close call.  _

  
  


_I’ve never seen anything like… Is it possible… Humans with abilities aren’t unheard of, but how? Grief, guilt, anguish, desperation… where did those feelings come from? No one else in the room was feeling it - they weren’t_ ** _her_** _feelings though… it had to come from something… someone. But, who?_ _It was so violent, so intense… how does she live with it? The pain, the loss, the_ ** _agony_** _. Where did it come from… how...? I have to ask Carlisle. Would he know? Maybe Eleazar could help… he might know a thing or two of humans with gifts… I didn’t even think... I’ve - we’ve never encountered..._

  
  


Edward palmed his eyes, fighting the urge to march downstairs and rip one into the both Rosalie and Emmet, and  trying to shake off the assault of their self-absorbed thoughts. He knew that at heart they were caring, morally strong and loyal people (Rosalie a bit less noticeable than Emmet).  But, they had the habit of forgetting that not everyone situation revolved around them - they were suited for each other like that. It annoyed Edward to no end. 

  
  


Then there was Jasper’s musings, distraught and tightly wired. At least now he was well fed which made his still unsteady stream of consciousness a bit easier to follow which wasn’t necessarily a good thing. Edward shut himself out from Jasper’s head, concentrating on turning Jasper’s monologue into nothing but a buzz in the background. He could handle Rosalie and Emmett's narcissism - he could not handle a reminder of the girl. Even if a part of him - an alarmingly large part of him - was curious about whatever phenomena Jasper had discovered in Bella Swan, he couldn’t think of her now, not with the delicate balance he found between man and monster was so fragile. 

  
  


It was Esme’s thoughts that gutted Edward. 

  
  


_ Oh no, my poor son. He must be so guilty right now, knowing he almost hurt that little girl. Why did it happen though? Does he need to hunt more? I should’ve known he wasn’t feeding enough, I should’ve noticed he was struggling with thirst.  _

  
  


Guilt shot through him, fire-hot and painful. He was abominable, a demon in every sense of the word. God, Esme was blaming herself. He would’ve preferred the disappointment to being the cause of her suffering. Hell, he would’ve preferred hell-fire to that. Edward never wanted Esme hurting, not because of his mistakes - not anymore. 

  
  


_ Edward _ , Alice tried again, her bell like chimes drowning out the piercing whispers of the others in his head,  _ the vision is solidifying. It’s getting clearer, are you really leaving? _

  
  


What other choice did he have? He could not face hurting Esme or Carlisle again. 

  
  


“You tell me,” he snarled, accidentally ripping the shirt and jeans clutched in his claws.  

  
  


_ You can’t. Not like this. _

  
  


Carlisle was getting closer, his mental voice growing louder, his state of mind becoming clearer. Edward began to move again, with more purpose if that was possible. 

  
  


“Watch me.”

  
  


_ I’ve seen the future, Edward. I’m not sure what’s happening, what you’ve set in motion, but what I said earlier today hasn’t changed. Something big is happening, something centered around you and you can’t run from it, not forever. It’s bigger than just a lapse in control.  _

  
  
  


_ “I don’t care, Alice, _ ” Edward hissed, pulling on a sweater over his bare chest. He wasn’t concerned with her cryptic messages or whatever premonition she had. All that matters was getting away, before he could hurt anyone else - human or family. 

  
  


The sneaky, manipulative little pixie switched tactics, aiming to hit Edward where it hurt. 

  
  


_ They deserve better than this, Edward. They deserve an explanation. I won’t stop you if you want to leave after, you won’t be able to stay away long I know that, but you owe them - owe us - at least an explanation.  _

  
  


He stopped again, right in the process of zipping up his pants, reeling. 

  
  


Alice was right, of course she was - she hit the nail on the head. He Edward his siblings, almost ruined the life they had all chosen to live, the life Carlisle spent hundreds of years building. They deserved some type of explanation, even if he couldn’t give a valid one other than he was just incredibly  _ weak _ . Edward also owed them an apology as well. 

  
  
  


Said vampires mentally called out to him, annoyed and worried, wondering what the brother and sister were possibly be talking about. 

  
  


“No secret conversations,” Emmet boomed, “It makes you sound like a whacko, Edward.”

_ Well, even more of a wacko than usual.  _

  
  


“Thanks Emmet,” Edward said dryly. No, he would not leave his family hanging in the aftermath of his mistake, not without seeking their forgiveness first.

  
  


“Anytime.”

  
  


Carlisle pulled up the driveway and Edward, with hunched shoulders and chagrin etched into the solid, unchanging lines of his face, made his way to the living room at a sluggish, human pace.

  
  


He would buck up, make his amends and only then would he run like the coward he was. 

  
  


Far away from Bella Swan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 Soundtrack song: About Today - The National. 
> 
> Thanks for the reviews, kudos and hits!! Much love <3


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